Part of having a new blog for a while is to learn to write with more meaning and good hearted intention. However, I find that when I am struggling the most that I want to write, yet because of this new rule I have given myself – I don’t.
I have not been very loving these past few days, let’s say about 4 or so.
There could be and might be all sorts of excuses but I don’t want excuses. I don’t want to be unloving and selfish.
The routine is off, sure, but that shouldn’t be any reason for me to pull back my love. But I have. I know this is not the way that God says we should live our lives. We need to be loving to other people, they deserve this, and in turn I am to believe that all people deserve this and at some point, maybe even me. But I don’t feel connected to my husband or God. I don’t feel connected to myself. I want to get lost on a trail or in a good book. But I haven’t been able to let myself and am I not sure why. There are excuses but no real answers.
I can hear The Beast…or at least what I think he would say or what books he might suggest for me to read in order to find my joy or restore it. However, this isn’t helpful as I am trying to be me and not plagued by his past or his friends. I want to learn about things because they are interesting to me and not because some book is by an author he likes….which turns out to be a book “she” too liked. I don’t want to be reminded of the depth of his friendships before me because it makes me feel like I am in the way. Plus, I am not sure that some of his friends are even people I care to know..that is on my own accord, I wouldn’t befriend them. Which is also to say…sometimes there are things I just do not need to know.
Life feels ugly and heavy – currently.
I know this shall pass, or I hope it does. I can endure a great amount of frustration but I feel like I am reaching a threshold.
I am channeling positive thoughts your way. I so look forward to reading your posts/blogs. You’re a beautiful person and you deserve to be happy. Please know that you are an inspiration to so many people.
If writing is your way of expressing yourself, then censoring your own expression is like censoring who you are….I so hope that you find peace and can continue to share this glorious God-given gift.
Best,
Elle
By: Elle on July 6, 2009
at 7:40 pm
Well your new post of the Little Church is a hopeful sign that you have turned a corner on what you wrote in this post. Start your new life together and don’t look back..this philosophy has helped me all these years.
By: Kannon7 on July 8, 2009
at 12:26 pm